things that make my life wonderful

1. watching the gloomy weather from a big window while sipping a cup of hot tea, listening to easy songs in my iPod, thinking about my life, and wondering when the rain starts pouring.

2. cuddling with my babies afterschool and talk to them about anything. because they will hear everything i say. ohh they are always there when i need them the most.

3. food, especially chicken (goreng, bakar, panggang, opor, semur, gulai, anything as long as it's not boneless). i don't feel like eating chicken when i eat fillet. i'm after the cartilago. yes baby i eat boneeesss!!!

4. wide open blue sky with big green trees framing the streets. reminds me so much of Bogor and my high school, Regina Pacis. (you see, i'm a fond of walking. i find pure joy keeping up with my jumping thoughts 'cause i'm a thinker-bell :)

5. treasuring beautiful vintage stuff at the thrift store. and simply spend the whole way home imagining wearing the clothes with anything in my closet. and the rush to re-design the clothe so it doesn't look so grandma-ish ;p

6. spending quality time with beloveds and family. catching up with life stories -either downfall, or, overwhelming happiness. sharing unstoppable laughters and gossips, for sure!

7. tidying up things: i love organizing papers into folders and the colors must have a gradation, sticking up post-it into my favorite page, covering books with mica plastics. and finally, feeling proud of myself for doing such good job (:

8. when i have my best hair day haha. that is, when it looks messy tapi tidak tipis (alhamdulilah, rambutku tebal) or even worse, looks lepek-dan-terlihat-tidak-keramas *euh*

or when i just made my perfect bun!

9. holding a scalpel or a knife (well that's all i have tried so far. i cracked the ribs of a cadaver. yeay! ohh feel so effin good) and just cut it open. simply being in the surgery room and watch the surgeon works, can really boost up my mood. weird eh?

10. anything purple. well not too much, just a touch of a purple-ish is enough.

ohh and anything caramel-scented. body shower, lotion, perfume, anything. i lust it!

Why deactivating?

So the following are the reasons why I decided to shut down my Facebook account. I know, not everybody asks, but for some of you who noticed that I’m gone from that network, here are the underlying causes:

1. I’m so sick and tired deleting those notification emails from FB. I’m a pretty organized person, so I never let unread emails stay in my inbox for a very long time. I either read it or delete it right away. And the notification has became a burden to me, ‘cause it comes everyday in a large amount. And the worst part is, out of my 65 new unread emails, they are all FB notifications! And none of them is related to me. Read below.
2. When I signed in into FB, of course the red box in your right corner gets your attention –yes, the Notification Box. Oh boy. And when I click “See All” it was all photo comments! I don’t know which photo they commented on because it’s impossible for me to click it one by one. So I just close the whole window and leave the notifications unread. --"
   
3. Next, when I see the photos, it's not even my face! Someone was tagging me over greeting pictures and all those strangers’ names popping out in my notifications: “Blah Blah also commented in one of your photo.” What the hell? It’s not that I don’t like to be tagged, but it’s annoying. And not to forget some of my own friends, tagged me in one of my other friend’s face, just to let me know that: “Hey, this has happened. Wish you were here. Please mind to comment.” Gosh, ‘till a few weeks before I shut down my account, my Wall was filled with those kinds of photos.
4. Honestly, I’m the kind of person who talks (well, in this case, writes a Wall) when I do need to say something to someone. Either to say a "Happy Birthday" or simply to ask/talk about something that I forgot to ask in campus (or maybe, he/she is not in the same campus, so we can barely talk face to face). So yeah, that’s what I do with Wall. I reply. I write occasionally. I don’t do some cheesy-superficial-talks. Not in Wall, nor in real life. I don’t connect with old friends. I’m too tired to open each and every one of my friends to see how they are doing, or say how much I miss them (well, ‘cause I don’t. duh -except for some close friends, i do miss you guys). That’s why my Wall could stay in status quo for days or even weeks, because there was nothing new in my Wall. And I thought, “Okay this is boring. And this Wall of mine is a living proof.”
5. Despite the fact that I don’t connect to everyone, the usual thing I do when I signed in to FB is Home, click See All Notifications (and close the window right away. Yes, I open it just for the sake of that distracting-little-red-box in the corner. I need it to disappear), click Profile (anything new? nope), open some of my friends’ profile and see how they’re doing, without writing in their Wall, of course, then I look at their photos, and sometimes it makes me think, “Wow, he/she has a good life, eh? Seems like fun and going out every day. I wish I was more like him/her. I want to be this/that.” (read: i'm a freak and a stalker) And that kind of feeling keeps me low, feeling insignificant, and extremely not-loving-myself. See the impact? And that happens every day, every single time I opened FB, that’s what I did. So I thought it’s best for me to just leave them and their perfect-happy-little-life, stop comparing, and start living for myself. Not for the sake of the gaulness or the number of photos I’ve been tagged or the number of friends I have. Finally, that brought me to the conclusion to deactivate my account.
6. Last reason. The previous reasons have been staying in my mind for days, but this little event, made me 101% sure that I need to deactivate my FB. So I had a dream about my ex-boyf (sorry, again, he’s the one who can fly me up or bring me down) having a new girlfriend. The Profile Picture was they’re hugging and looked so much in love. His personal status was, “I love you so much… (with her name as a link to her profile)”. And the latest photo album created was named after her; of course it was all their photos together. Oh my god, I cried in my sleep. And I felt my heart broke, once more. At that point, I know I don’t want to feel that sadness anymore. So I woke up and rushed to my laptop (to check if he has a new girlf already -thank god, NO) and deactivate my account. It’s better this way. So I would never have to see him with his girl, if he has one someday.

So that’s all folks. Hope you all satisfied. I will re-activate someday, when I have a new boyfriend that I love and love me so much, that nothing in this world could ever break me. Amen.

Kudos to me :)

feel my mind think my heart

Dear Hearts,

i never knew that you have such enormous amount of love to give.

all this time i've been keeping you inside these thick walls i built,

i protected you so that nothing can ever harm or touch you.

but then, i met someone that filled every corner of my brain;

he made me crazy, i was crazy about him.

he asked me to let you go, to set you free.

i defended at first, because my logic said, "NO."

but you, you wanted to meet him and his heart so badly

you said, "we got nothing to lose, i can handle love."

"but, you're fragile..", i replied.

and you didn't listen.

when you finally met with him,

i knew you loved him right away.

he was lovable, and very loving, indeed.

he gave you everything you've been lacking of:

care, attention, and love -that i never allowed you to taste.

every dream has to end.

people change, and he changed.

his mind changed, so as well his heart.

but you still insisted to stay with him;

you thought you could stop him changing.

and there was nothing i could do to have you back.

i'm sorry i left you in the wrong chest,

i'm sorry i let your love goes to waste,

but see, what do you have in return?

he broke you into pieces,

and you still survive with all those remnants left in you.

now that my chest is empty,

i don't have any love to give to anybody.

please come back, i beg you, you've gone too far.

you don't worth to be in his chest.

he's not the person we used to know!

if you could just see..

there are so many things to love here, just right here;

so many beautiful sights, funny friends, loving family, the poor and the sick.

please come back so i can love them, whom deserve to be loved.

and so they can love you in return.

Always yours,

Mind

squeezing out my jumping thoughts

i miss dancing

and the cheering crowd

and the adrenaline rush

and the nastiness

and the sweat

glorious!

ihh betis nya gede dan berbulu, sama kaya punya dia.

ngomong-ngomong, udah lama juga ya gak ketemu..

tiba-tiba inget naik sepeda bareng. ok ok STOP.

ada gak sih fakultas lain yang ujian tiap 3 minggu?

dan ujian serius, bukan ecek2. kalo gak lulus2, ya ngulang stase taun depan.

perasaan hectic amat ya kampus gw. paper&presentasi seminggu 2 biji.

jaga seminggu bs smp 5 kali. masih harus juga ya ngejar tindakan?

ohmyy my ass!! my ass!!

gak bisa ya, tolong oh tolong,

lemaknya dipindah ke bagian dada aja?

di atas defisit ciinnnnssssss!

it would be nice to have credit cards,

you can buy all those fancy beauties.

but, send the bills away to the moon haha.

kasian ya pasiennya diperiksa berkali-kali,

katanya sih demi ranah pendidikan kami,

makasih banyak lho, Bu.

i miss reading hundreds-of-pages novels, dancing Balinese,

playing piano, editing pictures, stargazing,

and laughing till i cry. sweetness!

cuaca mendung tapi gak ujan gini,

enaknya ng-teh sambil ngeliat ke luar kaca,

ditemani Adele ato Mariah Carey ato John Legend.

duhh stress deh kuliah di sini,

orang-orangnya pinter banget.

i'm always one step behind.

do i really belong here?

how to look so good and fabulous effortlessly?

wanna do some photoshoots. any good place?

hmm i'm thinking beach, museums, night-lights,

and wide open green grass with blue sky upon it.

a simple light dress, denim jacket, sunglasses,

messy hair, and sandals would be awesome!

yes!! berhasil ngambil darah vena dan masang infus!

omg sensasi nembus kertasnya kerasa banget!!!

what a guilty pleasure over someone's pain.

hahaha sowwy

does she realize my big fake smile?

aneh ya orang yang tadinya orang paling deket sama lo

bisa jadi orang yang lo gak kenal sama sekali.

apa yang bisa gw lakukan untuk menambah tantangan dalam hidup gw?

it's getting bored. and i'm stuck in this hospital.

still for another 6 years. gahhh

banyak banget ya cacat kongenital.

tapi kok kita semua bisa tumbuh tanpa cacat ya?

mereka sadar gak ya mereka sempurna?

hebat ya orang tua kita, makasih ya ibu.

moga2 anak gw ntar jg sehat, amin.

pengen bisa berubah jadi wanita yang lebih kalem,

dewasa, mandiri, percaya diri, feminin,

dengan inner beauty menonjol.

nahan ngomong jorok aja,

susah banget.

ngimpi deh..

kasian amat si Bapak,

udah usia lanjut,

gak berkeluarga,

matanya katarak,

telinganya mulai tuli,

kakinya kelindes kereta pula.

semoga Tuhan melihat semua

amal ibadah Bapak.

giliran ngecengin kakak kelas, udah ada monyetnya.

giliran ngecengin residen, udah ada cincinnya.

giliran gw manaaaaa???

i miss my boys.

bosen sama temen-temen rombongan yang itu-itu aja.

if i die tomorrow, have i become a better person?

have i help make anything better?

have i love enough?

will they miss me?

how can i live without my parents?

thank you God for all your blessings

pengen punya bayi. dari suami yang gw sayang, of course..

salah ya kalo gw berdoa dengan cara gw sendiri?

harus ya dengan sholat 5 waktu dan ngaji?

gw percaya kok, tapi gak cocok aja,

belum ada panggilannya.

he taught me to love, but not how to stop,

they say time will heal..

well a hundred years is a 'time', right?

why do you have to be so fake? admit it if you're together!

kenapa sih orang sakit gak bisa berobat karena masalah biaya?

wooii itu mobil menteri jual aja napa?

kasih pengobatan gratis sini, bantuin bayar.

banyak yang miskin di Jakarta, Pak!

don't you think it's obvious that i LOVE purple

just by seeing this blog layout?

but still, i write it down..

ohhrrgassmicc!

caught these beauties in some random eBay browsing yesterday. i know it's not the latest collections whatsoever, but i would SO die for these heartthrobs!! anybody, pleaseee? :)

Dolce & Gabbana Black Suede Wedges

(ohh this is adorable, perfect shape, but so damn pricey!)

Yves Saint Laurent Ankle Strap Pump

(breath-taking and a must-have for us, ladies!)

Yves Saint Laurent Slingback Pump

(classic, feminine, and sophisticated)

Yves Saint Laurent Wedge-Pump-Heels

(it simply has it all -period.)

Acne Acatoma Wedges

(it's just the right shoes to show off your boyish side, right?)

Alexander McQueen Slingback Heels

(so bold. yeah this heels rawks! n i bet it matches anything you wear)

Chloe Laced-up Wedges

(the perfect combination of weirdness, casual and beauty)